How to
Cope with the Loss of Your First Parent
We all
think our parents are there forever, that they are immortal, of course
they are not and the day will come when you will lose one of your parents.
It is a major loss, you look at your own mortality and realise you are
now the next generation to become old. It affects many people in
different ways, you may be angry, perhaps have had unresolved issues with
the parent taken away from you, if it was sudden shock may set in, guilt
perhaps for what you might have done or might have said to them whilst
there was time, then the grieving process, which can heal and take a short
time or go on for years. If the parent was suffering greatly, you
will have a sense of relief that they do not have to be in pain anymore,
which probably helps deal with the loss.
You
also have to cope with your other grieving parent, who will need you greatly
at this time as they will feel devastated and will feel like they have
lost part of themselves, this even seems to be the case in all marriages,
whether happy or not, unless of course the marriage has been tremendously
unhappy, and the other partner is glad to be alone and live a life on their
own. Your other parent may cope very well, and after a few months
start building a new life of their own, make new friends who are in the
same position as themselves, and begin to start living again - hopefully
this will be the case. However, a large number of bereaved husbands
or wives just cannot move on, cannot function or cope with day to day living
and need support, they may stop eating, have difficulty sleeping, start
staying in bed all day with nothing to get up for, depression may set in
as they feel their life is now over. They must be watched very carefully,
and checked upon whilst this period is taking place, which can last a very
long time.
I,
particularly, can identify with this as being an only one when my Dad died,
my Mum was absolutely distraught, I did not really have time to grieve
for my Dad, as I just did not know what to do and how to deal with
my Mum. It was all consuming for probably nearly five years, I was
so worried about her I was ringing her several times a day from work, calling
as often as I could, going at lunchtimes from work, including her at weekends
in our social life, having her to stay.
They
were like Darby & Joan, but I never thought I would have to cope with
this. I turned down a potentially good full time job at the time
as I thought I would never cope. My husband was very good, but he
also had needs, I was very fortunate as he loved my Mum and was happy to
do what we could for her, and was happy to include her in our lives and
take her on holiday. My son was still living at home at the time
and I'm afraid he had to take a bit of a back seat for a while, which I
am sure he must have resented at times. Again it can make you ill yourself,
the constant worry, are you doing enough, sometimes you just have to be
selfish and think of what you want too, and get on with your own life or
you will become resentful. In time it does ease but I did find myself before
I made arrangements, went on holiday etc., checking that she was all right,
ringing constantly from holidays or wherever you were.
My
Mum did make a bit of a life for herself, eventually, but never really
got over my Dad passing away. Now they have both gone you never forget
them and often think, "Could I have done more" so do it now whilst you
can.
If
you can say at the end of the day I have nothing to reproach myself for,
I did the best I could for them at the time, that is all you can do.
None of us can be all things to all men.
By
Janice L. Joplin
Nursing
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