Dealing with Mum getting old: the trials and tribulations of finding a nursing home and organizing elderly care

I got quite depressed about it at times and would sit up at night thinking what I could do, or not be able to sleep for worrying about her.  I think Mum was totally unaware of how stressed I was about it, because she wouldn’t admit to falling, lack of hearing, eyesight failing, not being able to walk properly, so I felt like she didn’t understand how worried I was about her.    I wanted to help her stay in her own home as long as possible, so at first I arranged for as much care at home as I could.  With the help of Social Services, I managed to sort things like home visits, meals on wheels and make her home safer with things like handrails and a stairlift.

It took months before Mum would consent to letting us take her out in a wheelchair. Older people don’t seem to realise their lives would be much easier for those, and others, helping them if they just gave in a bit. I felt at times it took over my life for a few years, but Mum looked after me so now it was my turn to do what I could for her. Although until you walk in someone's shoes you've no idea of how they're feeling. My Mum could be very stubborn but I felt for her.  Every knock or bruise would result in terrible marks to her skin, which of course thins, as you get older. I did get good support but I pushed for it.  Social Services were very good, very kind and gentle with Mum when care assessments were

One of the worst things was phone calls late at night from her, or not getting an answer when I rang or called, you always thought the worst.

When the question of a care home arose, as her doctor recommended it, which took the onus off me, she got very upset to the point of being sick on several occasions, as she had never wanted to go in a nursing home.  We found the nicest one we could and to this day I still say she couldn’t have been in a nicer place.  Of course care homes to my Mum's generation were just short of the workhouse, they didn’t know what they were going to.  Needless to say she never really liked it, and being a private person, would have liked to have stayed in her own home.  But she was just a danger to herself, not eating, burning her clothes, her eyesight was so bad there was so much she couldn’t see and she started to have more and more falls. 

Dealing with the financial side Mum had to make a contribution as she had some savings, but she didn’t have to pay the full amount.  We also had to pay top up care fees as the amount the nursing home charged was more than Lancashire County Council was prepared to pay, this was a bit of a shock but we managed to do it.  We had to have a visit to have a financial assessment of Mum's situation, which at first was rather probing and difficult.  However, I felt that once they realised we weren’t trying to hide anything, they were much more helpful, so it wasn’t the ordeal I was expecting.

I had a certain amount of guilt as I felt I should have looked after her myself in our home, but felt I just wouldn’t be able to cope and that our relationship would suffer, as I would become resentful.  At times I do think she would have liked to have come home with me.

Visiting parents in nursing homes gets more and more upsetting too, especially when they tend to start talking rubbish, you disagree at first, then it becomes easier to agree and laugh with them.  The number of times I've been asked how Louise was (no idea who she is), had I just been for an interview, and lots of crazy things.  One thing I was pleased about though, is that she always knew who I was.  Then you think, are you visiting enough or too much, but to them every day is never enough.  One thing about care homes I learned is that the staff don’t have to be mad to work there, but it helps, as does a sense of humour.

For myself we're all living longer but I don’t want to live too long that I cant walk, talk, see, hear and enjoy food and drink, there's no easy solution.

By Janice L. Joplin